oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
