No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
