After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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