I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
