it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
