Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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