dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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