My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
this boner is exhausting
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
