Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
MIDGETS
????
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize