Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
