Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize