You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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