Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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