First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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