Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
