Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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