yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
