You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
