cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
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