dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
they need to just BURY HIM!
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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