i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
