Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
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