Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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