i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
