I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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