Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
