Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
