I'm gonna have a badass scar
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
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