It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
