I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
