why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
