My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
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