Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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