piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
