apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Randomize
