I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
