hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Just pee around me
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Randomize
