whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
