I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize