Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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