A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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