I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
