Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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