some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize