I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
That accounts for only three of the penises
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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