At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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