I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize