ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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