This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize