I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
All I want is dick and wine.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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