remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
