I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
