I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
