Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
