take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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