I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
