a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
