new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Randomize
