You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Sacagawea was the original milf.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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