a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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