I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
